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noon today I just can not any longer. I went down to the computer, have thrown 50 cents and looked to see whether I have new messages. Morpheus I've experienced it then. What happened last night. These are not nightmares. They are real, the pictures in my head.

After I've read it, she grabbed me again, fear. I ran up the stairs as fast as I could. I've slammed the door of my room and I've crawled under the covers. I've always done before, if I'm afraid.

I'm hoping that the fear will disappear under my blanket. But then I suddenly became very tired. And fell asleep. And then they came back, the pictures. The lamp, she has again started to flicker. Suddenly I was back in the dark house, along with the man

But this time I see everything much clearer. Knack, knack. I hear the man laugh. See how to push. And as the man falls to the ground. I kneel down beside him and pick something up off the floor. It's a newspaper, you just fell from his coat pocket. In it, he has a little ticked. With a red pen.

What is it, realize I can not. But instead I see something else. Something that stands above the edge. Something that is so bad that I woke up from sheer terror of it. The date. The newspaper is not today, she is already old. Very old. It will run from Thursday 16 September 1997.

I have done so. evidence does not lie. I killed a man. In my last life. How do I know which else? Who is the man I do not know. Why not have him killed. I know one thing, but I will have to atone.

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evidence do not lie The shadows on my soul

Picasso once told me what he does when he is sad or desperate. He paints It helps if you look at the shadow draws from the soul, he once said to me. Tonight, as I myself did not dare to sleep, I thought of him. I would love to talk with him, but Picasso has this week off. Middle of the night I got up and got the pins taken out of the closet, he has given me. I tried the terrible drawing pictures, so I get rid of them again. But they are increasingly clear to me as soon as my eyes do.

In Karl Horst times I had to change the bulb in the cellar. None of us wanted to get down there. We have had all fear. We have drawn matches and I was caught's. It was scary. From the ceiling a naked bulb hanging from a wire. She looked like a tennis ball. And she has made noises. Just as when Jonas cracks with his knuckles. Just this has heard. The light went on and off, and each time it has cracked. Of course I knew well: On one side of the bed linen hung out to dry with the towels. And on the other hand, the baskets are with our shorts and T-shirts. But the light had doller trembled as myself, and I'm afraid, behind the sheets would be a man and get me. If

is to make my eyes and think of my return it as on the day in the home. The dirty lamp flickers. Knack knack, . Whenever there is light, I see just the pictures. I see as I kneel down in a quiet place. Nearby is a street. And a high chimney. Then I go along a long tunnel. At the end of the tunnel, I meet a man The man has a suit and waiting for me in an old house. I go in and talk to him. Suddenly the man begins to laugh. Quite loudly. He listens to no more. I do not know about what the man laughs. As he turns to me, I come up behind him. I put a rope around his neck and push. Very slowly, until the man stopped breathing.

What are these pictures? Where are they? I'm a nightmare, caught, which has no end? I am not here in my room, but still in practice with Dr. Tiefensee, trapped in hypnosis? Are these images from my previous life? Or is it all merely of the thing in my head? I wish I could make my own way and find the place that I see when I close my eyes. Horatio Caine would do this eventually. If I really have killed a man, then he's probably still there, in the old house. But I'm too weak. Carina has real trouble getting to Professor Mueller for our trip on my birthday. He but has probably never even heard of it. If I tell you now from the images and shadows will definitely get even more trouble. Who can help me anyway?

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Pandora's box

Would that I had only heard of Jonas. If only I could not have been so impatient with the gift. Maybe I should stop it then can. Perhaps it would not come clean. In my room in my head, in my world. The evil and horror that surrounds me now.

this has started my birthday yet so beautiful. With the gifts, the song and the congratulations of my friends. As I sat in the little cafe with Carina, she is finally betray me. We ate cheese cake and she told me about it, what is the surprise. A journey. In my former life.

I'm so happy. On returns so I've read a lot. We then went over to the practice of Dr. Tiefensee. This is the doctor to whom I made the trip. His practice is in a great house just around the corner from the cafe where I was Carina.

The doctor was very kind to me and me only once made a hot milk with honey. Then I had my shoes off and lie down on a mattress. Carina was with me and I was well packed with two blankets. It was really comfortable and I was very excited.

has spoken Then the doctor. Incredibly long. His voice was very gentle and beautiful. Like the guy on my radio plays. He asked me many questions. According to my best experiences. Where it has fallen to me once. Then I should only think of the wildest place in the world and close my eyes.

Suddenly I became very tired. And at some point the doctor asked me if I see a big switch. I was in my mind the switch press down with tape so that he zurückflutscht not always. That worked. The switch has held and I got myself on an elevator.

In the elevator was a sign with many buttons. I was allowed to just pick one. I've pressed the Elf. Then it jerked and I drove down. Very long. When the door finally dawned, I've made a step forward, got out and I'm looking around. But I saw nothing. Everything was black around me.

I'm probably asleep. Just like that. When I woke up it was already dark outside. I did not even where I was. Only when I've seen the doctor and Carina, I am again occurred. And suddenly they were there. These images and voices. In it in my head. Quite blurred. Like when you're about to wake up.

I first thought I had had a nightmare during the transfer. But then at night they have come back. They are becoming clearer. Every time I sleep. There are horrific pictures. We make you afraid. I've been attempting to draw. Do you have anything to do with my past life? Or are they just dreams?

Carina I did not tell. She has it only kind to the surprise. She wanted to show me that what comes after that. I'm to blame for everything. If I had not just been so curious. I'm tired, but I do not trust me not to fall asleep. I'm so scared, especially before the vote.

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Happy Birthday to me!

I'm so glad! I do not know if it is just on my birthday or whether I would feel so good otherwise. It really is regardless of everything that has happened so far today was just incredible toll: At first I was awakened by the station with a huge black forest cherry cake. They use candles. Of which I have now eaten so many pieces that I had to cancel lunch. Was allowed to.

Every hour someone else looks over at me. Picasso, with whom I've been practicing a card trick. Made, the Philippine nurse who gave me a birthday song sung from their homes. Yes, even Professor Mueller, who has brought me over brand new skateboard sneakers. And of course, Carina, which I still do not reveal has what is the surprise, but I left there that has her laptop.

why I'm now able to thank me for all my new friends who visited me in the last days here. And so nice to me have a happy birthday. Many thanks to Ingo, Matt, Chris, Barbara & Chocolate, Sibe, Calaveres, Ines, Düsi, Björn, Romek, Morpheus, Tina, Phantasmagoria, Farina (funny, I always get no mail from you) and all those I've forgotten in the rush. If you like, but I shall know when her birthday you, I also congratulate you and give you something. So, write me calm again. I'm looking forward to post of you.

Hey, Carina was just here and said that I should get ready to march. I pull on my sneakers right now and then it finally starts. Looks pretty cold out there, despite the sun. In any event, a beautiful day to come out here again. I am sooooo excited about the surprise. I write to you tomorrow in any case as it was.

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Geschmult

Okay, what can I say. I've done it. I've broken my promise. The pledge, I have given Jonathan. But I'm simply no longer endured noon. The package has smiled at me the whole time. As if it would say to me: "Open me now!" Yes, yes, yes ... I know! Jonas said it's bad luck did so first birthday tomorrow. But I was just so curious and so I opened the gift.

came to the fore ... a magic box! Cool! One I've always wanted. Do the same for tomorrow to thank Jonas. With things out of the box, you can make quite a lot of great tricks. Tricks with cards, dice, rope, ink, balls and matches. I have the same times in the instructions. Funny I find the section with the bills. It borrows the example of an unsuspecting audience a fifty Euro bill folded, the more time together and at the end comes out a small 5 euro note, the then you laugh returns. Go easy. I have the same trick once tried to Picasso. He was so excited that I could keep the fifty € thereafter. Offset as a birthday present for tomorrow.

Picasso I wondered whether I should be afraid, because I had not waited until my birthday. Picasso meant, so I should not worry. That is superstition. This was finally not the Pandora's box or something like that. I am not sure what is going on with this gun on himself. But it sounded somehow reassuring to what Picasso said. Will look the same again in the lexicon. I'm pretty excited about tomorrow. What I get paid well by Carina? Soon I will know it.

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surprise

Today was a beautiful day. And not just because the sun finally back in my room has blinked into. Even as I opened today morning, the eyes, it went I really super. Three clear on the scale. The funniest part however was the visit of Jonas. Never thought that Ms Dux permission. All the way from Karl Horst up to me. All alone. But Jonas has simply said he goes to the sport. Typical.

Have me so excited as he stood in the doorway. Is already so long ago. I've probably missed quite a lot in Karl Horst, but Jonas has told me everything that happened, since I'm here. He has I even brought a birthday gift. But he immediately said to me that I should open it really only four days. This brings misfortune otherwise, he meant. And I can not use now.

About our bet today we have not spoken a word. I mean, that the lexicon. And not about the fact that he will probably win. Instead, we prefer to have plans about what we want to do everything together. The idea of the party on the beach, he found the way, really cool. A beach with palm trees. And high waves. And music. When forging plans we have completely forgot the time and suddenly he had to go very fast to Mrs. Dux remembers nothing.

I've just just spent the package is shaken, but have not yet figured out what's inside. Picasso has caught me and just laughed. He says whatever it is, I would definitely get something much Abgefahreneres. By Carina. Something that no one has got, he knows. What that be like? Let's see real! Only four times to wake ...

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Smile please!

I've been talking today with Carina. About her and me. I do not want them because of me is sad. About what comes next. And of rebirth. At first I thought she would not take me seriously when I started it. But they gave me and even agreed to suddenly become very quiet. She said she believes very firmly. I would have no fear. I'm Carina's the story of the twins in the womb says. They still do not know. But I think she liked it. In any case, it was completely absent at once, and thought maybe I would have brought an idea. Everything she has said.

Then we have rumgealbert a bit with my wig. I've talked Carina, she aufzuprobieren times. At first she did not want to, but then she has made it yet. For my sake. I even a picture of it. Is unfortunately a bit blurred. So I think yes, I do not see the part so ill like it :-)

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K as Karma

Have me now calmed down after the bad news of yesterday. Okay, to Professor Müller I'm still pretty angry. I can not stand it when people are not honest to me. Wanted to make it today during rounds so to speak, but it is only a representative come.

Last night I could not sleep long. I have pondered a lot and I rolled around in my bed. Suddenly I realized something. I now know why is my fear. The fear was to come here ever again get out the truth in fear of going to have to continue. Forever. As it has become clear to me, I immediately felt better.

I am glad that I said Carina, as it is really about me. Is of course hard, but at least now I know exactly where I stand. I've made in any case, hang not let me. I want to make Carina's not even more grief. Not that she's crying again. I do not think Carina is unhappy because of me.

inaccessible is to somehow know that I just happened like that. I have so much of life yet not realize. I was never gone away, at least not really. Most of it I know from books. My lexicon I will also create and Jonas is not quite win our bet well. Hopefully I do where I go, not the letters L to Z, I'm only at K.

Last night I also thought about what I have read the "Karma". Karma was recently even my word of the day. The idea of reincarnation as occurs in Buddhism, I really like, I must say. The weaker I feel, the better I find them. Somehow the thought gives me courage.

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The secret truth

IT WAS NOT YOUR LOVER !!!!! It was me. I! All right she has cried on Saturday Sun And I just wonder why I do not do it too. But it do not come easy tears. Maybe that's the shock. Carina told me today reveal the truth. The real reason why Professor Mueller has settled my chemo. The side effects were just too strong, they were to blame for my lung inflammation. Once such a story I would not survive, say the doctors. The tumor might not. Which I have already pushed for the hundredth time in this tube, and each time is the part between the walnut slices become larger. That is in plain text: Clock is ticking My.

I will probably have no pain. Hopefully. But who knows. Carina said that I must now leave in no case more to the clinic. I could always be powerless. In addition, I get pills for epileptic seizures and to pay attention to whether my arms start to tingle. To Professor Mueller I'm pretty pissed because he did not tell me what it is really about me. Out of sheer rage I wanted to tear up the slip of paper with my 11 points. Got it but then left. If only one on it anyway.

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Pizza

Picasso and I have been around for some time a little secret. If he has night duty, he sometimes ordered a giant pizza for us both. And still cola and ice. Tonight it was time again. As his head conspiratorially that stretched to the door I'm modest immediately known. The messenger was on his way. Pizza is of course not on my diet plan. And if Professor Mueller knew this would he sure scold. But Picasso always says Sometimes you can sometimes blind eye to.

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My new roommate

Today I found to my great surprise, that I have since yesterday a roommate. It is a small Mariechenkäfer. He sits on a leaf in Carina Strauss. I can not imagine that this is the right environment for him. But I can make out it is not so. Outside, it is much too cold. I have also read in the lexicon that bring these little bugs luck. So, my new roommate must continue to live here once. For luck, I can finally make good use of. What they feed the beetles really? I look the same again in the dictionary for ...

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Strange

Today I'm back in a good mood. The first three for weeks. In sharp contrast to Carina. When blood samples this morning she has hardly spoken to me. And when I told her about the great news, it has not got right. Funny. Of course I asked what's going on. 've Got such a suspicion. Surely it has to do with the crumpled photo what they always rumschleppt with it. Do not think the guy is her boyfriend in the picture. Maybe her ex? Looks a little older than her, but like a movie star. Could well play a lawyer on CSI. Last time she has shown me the image has They still smiled so funny. But when I spoke to them today, they suddenly began to cry and ran from the room. Somehow, even shame - about me she knows almost everything and she tells me almost nothing from him. But on the other hand, this is somehow logical. How could I help her already? Here alone in my room.

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hope

I think today is my lucky day. Professor Muller was right there. First I thought it was something bad happened. Because he has three looked a little more serious than usual, as he has built at the foot of my bed and asked about my health. But then he told me they would discontinue the chemo. It is now without it. Those were his words. Short and dry, as it is flat, the professor. Even before I understood correctly what he had just said he was outside again.

Now I'm sitting here and I can not believe my luck. For I have always had the suspicion that the pills have made me even more sick than the thing in my head. But no more. For joy I immediately tried to call Carina. That is not here today. Unfortunately I have not yet been reached. She wanted to organize something. Hopefully a surprise for my birthday. But actually I need now no longer. Main I'm finally back out here.

I have decided now to put me as a first name. With 11 points (11 is my favorite number) what I'm doing everything when I am outside. Number one I know. I would like to make a holiday by the sea. Preferably with a party on the beach. It's a bit embarrassing, but I've never been at sea. Jonas me so he always raised, even though the first was also on the Baltic. Regardless, to my beach party I would invite him nevertheless. It's obvious!

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My daily bread

And Groundhog Day ... I've always believed in Karl Horst would be my daily routine already strictly regulated been. But in here one day is exactly the same. Just like in one of my favorite movies. It begins in the morning (six clock when I wake up) with my nausea, Carina at 7:30 brings the breakfast and the first pill tray. Interferon, Temodal, cortisone, Vomex, what did not swallow it all back and forth, and get sprayed as a suppository. But the thing is still there. Gone are only my hair. Then I went first so corrupt that I fall asleep again. As long as I is not even bad or I am awakened by the visit. I sleep too long, I get headaches and animal must also take still Tramadolor. But towards the afternoon it gets actually getting better.

Professor Mueller has allowed me now that I just after dinner at 18.00 clock when I feel fit enough, do again to the computer. Carina brings me to extra clean their own laptop. He has a UMTS card. This I do not have down to reception, where the computers are available for visitors and where to throw inside always 50 cents if you have half an hour online want to be. So, dear diary, if I again tomorrow at 18.00're like today, then I read again what pure.

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Today Horatio-day!

Today was again a four and I was allowed to watch TV. Lucky you! In recent weeks, because that was hardly possible. So I missed a few episodes of CSI. Carina gave me the first season last year for his birthday. Horatio Caine from CSI Miami is by far the coolest of all investigators. Even the name ... And his words can I have a say almost. people may lie, not evidence. I find that somehow fits to my situation. I've even borrowed his name for my diary. Think it's okay for him. So, have to do for now. Horatio is equal

PS:.. I'm curious, what do I get this year from Carina. 13 days left ... :-)

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Vicky Welcome!

Monday, I am the evening come home from work and there it was ... VICKY



Is not she cute?
six weeks old and newly separated from the mother was. The Small Arms; _;
But with us it has even now a new home
^ - ^


And it is> so small \u0026lt;
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This is the way, a washcloth in her mouth. Just so you even have any idea how small it is.



And these are their attempts to bite, even if only in the game. ^ ^ Nya

. It is a real little tomboy.

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*~+~*^-^*~+~*

ICH HABS DONE !!!!!!!!
have
This morning I sent my birthday Made to Nagayama.
With luck, it comes and works on time on Friday with him. In any case it is
already insFlugzeug and should be tomorrow in Japan.
The rest is up to the Japanese Post
* bet *
But next time, I send it by ship three months in advance.
- -
By air, something to send to Japan is extremely expensive.
But was it worth to me ^ - ^

For anyone interested in what I sent him
A small tea set with cinnamon apple tea, and this amazing candy canes
a Christmas calendar (^ ^ Nagayan loves sweet XD ~)
and a small baseball figure (I hope it was not a mistake * bet *)